Taking a selfie vs. having my picture taken
I started photography when I was in high school, and between taking pictures of my dog and my room, I took many self-portraits.
There are two reasons for this:
- I really didn’t know how to use a camera at that time, I was just trying things without knowing if it was “correct according to the rules of photography”.
For example, I remember very well how I used to enjoy the amount of noise in my photos… You can see that I didn’t know anything about photography and for that reason I wasn’t prepared to photograph other people.
- The other reason is that, for me, there’s something easy about making self-portraits. I’m not saying that it’s harder to make portraits, but in terms of immediate feasibility, it’s easier to make self-portraits since all we need is a camera, a tripod and ourselves.
And I have to say that when you’re your own model, there’s a kind of game that takes place.
You think, “If I try this pose, what will the photo look like?”, “If I stand this way, what will the result be?”.
In fact, without realising it, we create new versions of ourselves. Photography allows us to explore ourselves. Until now, we didn’t know that we could look like this and/or give that impression.
When I look at some of my selfies, it’s a kind of surprise and I think that I don’t look like that in reality.
Frida Kahlo once said: “I paint myself because I am so often alone and because I am the subject I know best.” That sums it up quite well.
When she said this, we can assume two things: she painted herself because she knew her physical expressions and what was on her mind very well and could express them easily.
I think she also said that because, thanks to her knowledge, she could imagine and stage herself.
She had become her own puppet, something that she could manipulate and recreate without any limits.
In my personal life, I also take selfies quite regularly.
I like to take them when I feel good about myself.
When I like my make-up and/or the clothes I’m wearing, for instance.
That’s something I wouldn’t have said a few years ago, because I know that making selfies is sometimes frowned upon, as some people see it as a symbol of narcissism. Personally, I now know that these selfies are moments when I have (some) confidence in myself. Moments that help me and teach me things about myself.
Sometimes I take pictures where I show myself without make-up, with dark circles under my eyes, with physical defects (veins, white hair).
This is something I would never have done a while ago.
But it makes me realise that I accept myself more than before (even if I still edit my photos haha).
I also realised that these images were self-confidence pictures because at the time I had gained a lot of weight, I hardly took any selfies anymore.
Probably because I didn’t like the person I had become anymore.
However, and this is the contradiction of the selfie, it’s pretty crazy to show some self-confidence in such a staged image, isn’t it?
But that’s not the point of my article.
For a few years now, I’ve been posing for photographers.
Either I ask them to take pictures, or it’s the other way around.
And I’ve noticed, on several occasions, that the photographers want me to like I do it when I take selfies or self-portraits (there’s a difference between the two, and I explain why here).
But it’s really hard for me to do so, in fact I’d say that I’m the most uptight model in the world haha..
I soon realised why there’s such a big difference between my selfies/selfportraits and portraits sessions: in the second case, I can’t let myself go as if I were alone with the camera.
I don’t dare to pose, I don’t dare to try things because I’m afraid of looking stupid. As if I were afraid of what the photographer might think of me (and these thoughts are completely unfounded).
Besides, as a photographer, I have never (and will never) judge a model, because I know how intimidating a camera lens pointed at you can be.
In fact, there’s a huge contradiction: I voluntarily post self-portraits and selfies on the web and accept being judged by people behind their screens but it’s difficult for me to pose for one person when they are facing me.
Well now I know that it’s precisely because I can control (and stage) my selfies from A to Z, that I accept this judgment.
Among my day jobs, I sometimes earn money as an extra in films and television. And there’s the same problem: I don’t always dare to let myself go. When I’m asked to do something, I feel like my heart is racing and my facial expression quickly turns cold. I really do have the “resting b**** face.”
I don’t think I’m the worst extra but I think I could do better.
As I said, the problem here is similar to the one encountered during a photo shoot: I’m afraid of the image the director is going to get (even though, as an extra, my part isn’t the most important!).
In fact, I’m afraid of not being credible.
When we take selfportraits/selfies, we do so with total control over our image. We know what to emphasise, we know how to look “good” and we also know what we don’t want people to see.
And this control happens because we see ourselves directly on our screen, they’re the new mirrors.
And, if you’re like me, you often take your selfies when you’re alone. So no one is there to judge you, to make fun of you or even just… to look at you.
Have you ever been embarrassed after being caught taking a selfie? Well, I have!
To be photographed/filmed is to dare to lose this control.
It means letting yourself go, accepting the gaze of the other person behind the camera, taking the plunge and gaining confidence.
It means accepting that the other person does not necessarily see you as you see yourself, but as they see you. It’s accepting a less fake, more real picture (even if it can be staged).
I still have some progress to make, however, I think that having your photo taken is a really exciting exercise.
It’s a challenge and a surprise.
Because by accepting the way the photographer sees us, we probably accept the way people might see us in everyday life.
